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You’ve devoured the heart-shaped box of chocolates, finished the date at the expensive restaurant, and the dozen roses are starting to fade. Valentine’s Day is just a memory, but where does the relationship or your romantic life go from here? If you’re thinking of holy matrimony, or if you’re already married, it takes more than a romantic weekend to keep the love flame blazing.
We interviewed six married couples to find out what it takes to have a
healthy marriage. Michael and Linda Howell (36 years married); David
and Julie Heras (14 years); Dominick and Tisha Stokes (10 years);
William and Candice Knight (five years); Justin and Stephanie
Jones-Fosu (three years); and Abiola and Emily Ijalana (three years)
share their hearts with Transparency.
HOWELL
Michael: Living a God-centered life, compromising, forgiving one another and leaning on one another for support.
Linda: Unconditional love and compromise.
HERAS
Julie: Having a sense of vision and purpose for your marriage.
David: Early in our marriage we did adopt a vision statement for
our marriage. I think also humility is key. It helps to keep the
marriage alive when you know that you’re not always right, and you’re
willing to come from that stance.
JONES-FOSU
Justin: Full
submission to God. I just can’t believe that a person can be fully
submitted to God and not have the best marriage possible…I also believe
accountability is key, and that is why we started Christian Couples
United (CCU) to bring together couples of all cultures and different
churches.
Stephanie:
I think God must be the foundation of each person’s individual life and
the foundation of the marriage…Marriage is not for the weak, the
selfish or the simple, but is for those who are willing to work at it
and invest into it.
KNIGHT
Candice: There
are four keys to longevity in marriage — humility, forgiveness, the
fear of the Lord, and prayer…In our wedding vows, we chose to include
the statement: “We promise to forgive, as Christ in God has forgiven
us” (Ephesians 4:31-32). When I forgive, I am also acknowledging that
Will’s sins against me are no greater than my sins against him.
STOKES
Dominick: God, conflict resolution, communication, commitment, loyalty, and forgiveness.
HERAS
David: I
think there was a moment where we learned that we disagree differently.
When Julie would get angry, she would get quiet. When I would get
angry, I would get loud. We had a period of time in which we had to
learn, ironically, not each other’s love language, but each other’s
anger language.
Julie: And
change it, and figure out what is healthy and what is unhealthy,
because some of the things you do growing up aren’t healthy.
KNIGHT
William:
I don’t agree with the saying to be honest. I had heard so many
surprise horror stories; I did the best I could to give Candice a
realistic picture of who I was in both public and private. I think it’s
essential couples be real with each other.
IJALANA
Emily: To be honest, marriage was better than I expected.
STOKES
Dominick: She constantly tells me: “You ain’t all that and a bag of chips.”
Tisha: Helping me not to take things too seriously.
JONES-FOSU
Justin: She
has challenged me to be more like Jesus. As the husband role I am
supposed to be Jesus and she is supposed to be the church, so day by
day, I am asking “Am I being like Jesus to her?”
Stephanie: Justin
has been a mirror to me, showing me things about me that need to
change. He has also challenged my walk with Jesus, getting me to get
out my comfort zone. The submitting thing is always humbling, but I’ll
take it over being the “Jesus” in the relationship. I know that can’t
be any easier.
HOWELL
Michael: Linda and I have both become more patient. She has helped me be a less serious person and lighten up and strike a better balance between work and family.
KNIGHT
Candice:
I admire William’s humility. Since the beginning of our relationship,
if we ever had an argument, William was usually the first to apologize.
I know that this is pretty sad, but I had never really apologized to
someone else in a serious way until we were dating.
HERAS
David: Having
kids is the greatest adjustment, I think. The world shifts as the focus
comes upon providing and nurturing these little individuals. And the
world has to shift. I think it’s very sad to see people who try to run
their lives with children just as they did before children. True, Julie
and I used to like going out to eat and sleeping in on a Saturday
morning, but we have a charge…a responsibility, and it’s an important
one.
JONES-FOSU
Justin:
To stop being so selfish. You really do not realize how selfish you are
until you are down to that last piece of freshly-made salmon and you
want to eat it so bad, but you know she likes it too. That is where you
have to make a choice to please me or her.
IJALANA
Abiola: Understanding that we both have input into things that happen. Decisions have to be made together, not just by me.
Emily: With marriage you must be unselfish. I’ve learned to not only be aware of my needs, but also my husband’s needs.
HOWELL
Michael & Linda: For both of us it was the death of our parents that we leaned on one another for loving suppport. We both grew closer during those times.
STOKES
Dominick: Yes. Without her, I would still be clueless about my vanity, selfishness, pride and ego-centric mind-set.
Tisha: Yes, because of him, I have a better relationship with my father.
IJALANA
Abiola:
I was able to handle the fact that the company I was working for was
closing and to look for a new job with the help of her support and
prayers.
Emily:
One of the toughest challenges I’ve had to overcome had been family
issues. I know I probably would not overcome these issues as positively
had it been without my husband. I feel like sometimes it’s hard to have
a clear perspective when you’re going through a tough time, and having
a husband who knows you intimately can be that guide and leader that is
needed.
JONES-FOSU
Justin:
Well the challenge for us was continuing to be married. I was
unfaithful in the beginning of our marriage, and we were separated for
about nine months. It really took her praying for me as well as others,
and me accepting God’s grace and mercy. We now are on our mission to
help other marriages never get to where we were, and others that are
there to hold on to God’s promise.
Stephanie:
The journey to rebuild trust has also challenged our marriage. But I am
glad to say that since we have overcome that situation, God has healed
us and restored the trust in our marriage. That situation challenged
every fiber of our beings, but we are better for it. I am a stronger
woman and wife. My husband is a stronger warrior in God’s Kingdom. And
out of it, God birthed a ministry where other marriages can find refuge.
IJALANA
Abiola & Emily: Our
family. Although we love them, they still need to understand that we
are our own family now so the dynamics of our birth families has to
change.
KNIGHT
Will: Do
your marriage for Jesus. He delights in you and your future spouse, but
believe it or not, he takes delight in you two as a couple together
before Him. Enjoy that and enjoy Him together; that is what it means to
make Him the center.
Candice: Pray,
pray, pray! The best preparation for marriage is to pray together now
and pray for each other individually. Reliance on God is the answer.
Don’t be afraid to obey the direction that He leads you as a couple.
God has a different plan for every family.
HOWELL
Michael: Keep things in priority. Relationship with God first; relationship with spouse only next to God; next relationship with children, then church and lastly job. Also forgive quickly...Being right or getting your way can be highly overrated.
Linda: Get to know one another well. Discuss finances, spending habits, plans and how many kids are desired.
STOKES
Dominick:
Don’t rush, get to know your spouse, find a good premarital counselor,
don’t spend too much on the wedding; plan everything: kids, finances,
vacations, holidays, etc.
Tisha: Always keep lines of communication open. Don’t sweat the small stuff, and pray together.
JONES-FOSU
Stephanie: 1)
Allow God to confirm that you two are to be together for the purpose of
marriage. 2) Know who you are in God first. 3) Be whole. No man or
woman wants a broken boy or girl.
HERAS
Julie: I
would say make some rules for your marriage. Like, never use insults,
abusive language, or behavior…And never use the “d” word. Divorce is
not a joke, and it’s destructive to bring it up, especially in the heat
of an argument. You’ve sworn before God and man. Take that oath
seriously before you get in. And once you get in, stay in and work the
problem through.
David:
Don’t go telling everyone about the troubles you’re having with your
spouse. Why do my co-workers need to know an ounce of what happens in
my home? If I have an issue, I want to discuss it with people who care
about supporting the health of my marriage.
IJALANA
Abiola: Besides
keeping and developing your relationship with God first, also have a
great friendship with one another, love and trust each other, and
always represent each other well in front of others, even when you’re
by yourself, because you each represent each other.
Emily: Continue to build and strengthen your friendship. Even if that means going through some bumps and building along the way.
Post Your Comments |
Name: Hezekiah
E-mail: Private
Date posted: February 20, 2010 - 07:32 pm
Message: Love it. I am a better man for it. Hez
Name: Ci
E-mail: cpsmalls@gmail.com
Date posted: February 18, 2010 - 04:41 pm
Message: Insightful responses. Thank you for sharing
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